Bruno's Blog – a complete animal at work

Been a bit dull recently. The old man’s working like a nut so I get to spend much more time at the office. Leah’s not there – she’s gone to Australia to see her mum – which at least means I feel safer. She keeps going on about how I should have my nuts chopped off, which all seems very unfair. She says I walk funny because they’re too big between my legs. Mind your own business, I say.

Andrea’s fallen off her scooter again and this time broken her collar bone, so she’s not around either. Boring.

Then I got to go for a great walk in the park with Meg & Penny, my two lovely Jack Russell girl friends. Two at once, goodness me, a veritable cornucopia of feminine grace and charm. The only trouble is one of them seemed to be coughing a bit, and now I don’t feel so good either. I had to go at it, coughing and spluttering tonight until someone paid attention to me. The old man said I’d got a bit of kennel cough and gave me a homeopathic remedy.

“Drosera – that’ll sort you out” he said. Yeah, really likely, I thought as he poured the powder into my mouth. I hate medicine anyway. Mind you since then I haven’t coughed. Just you wait. I’ll start in the middle of the night. That’ll teach him not to take me to the vet.

He is one, you say? I wondered why there were always so many dogs at his office. Maybe that’s why. Interesting. If I ever figure out this talking lark, I’ll ask him. Now how does it go? Grrr, wuf, arumpff, arf arf, squeak cough cough. see – I told you, it’s not gone away yet. I’m, ill I tell you. No one cares. I think I’ll just lick my balls a bit. Thank god they’re still there.

Aargh – disaster…Mossy has gone away. Just like that. She was the gorgeous, sweet, soft little Jack from two doors up the road.

She was there on those hot summer evenings, just the other side of the fence, teasing me as she lay down in the long grass. She was the who would sometimes sneak through the fences and play in the garden with me when she wasn’t meant to. It was her who would roll over and show me her tummy when we met in the street.

And when she was in season, oh my god, no sleep for days.

And now she’s gone, moved clean away, with no warning.

I’m devastated, sunk into my own little slough of despond. How can life go on? No one seems to care.

Somebody say walk? 

The boy had a sleepover party this weekend. Can’t imagine why they call it that, as it’s the last thing they seem to be interested in doing. I mean – a house full of 9 year old boys all charging around the place with guns and swords, shouting, dying, falling around, making a mess. I just hid under the bed and waited for them all to go away. Which they did, eventually.

Great walk in the park on Sunday, except I got chased by some hideous great thing with a muzzle on. Good job I’m faster at turning then he was. By the way, what’s this James Bond thing they’re all talking about? International 4 legged person of mystery? Secret agent, daredevil, seducer of the beautiful girls? Has someone made a film about me without telling me? What am I meant to do now – aren’t there copyright rules for this sort of thing?

Oh yes, and the picture on the ‘home page’ whatsit. I specifically do NOT remember giving my consent for such foolishness. Unless you like it, of course, all you lovely ladies, destined to be seduced by I, Bruno, International 4-legged person of mystery, daredevil, secret agent, saviour of the known world….(that’s enough – Editor).